неделя, 24 декември 2017 г.

Non-Relevant The Journal 2

By DeYtH

Did the other kids talk about sex? What did they say to you? Did it frighten or arouse you?

- Yes they did, about type of porn, preferences…
They were asking me about do I watch porn open and how much times do I masturbate?


Naah, not such thing as arouse… or getting frightened, just feeling strange.

Was there anything good about how you learned about sex?

- That both ways are good, masturbating or having sex with your Partner, but in my rough opinion it's bad shit. - The way I see it now


Did you masturbate when you were young? How young were you?

- The question has been answered already!



Did anything change after you’d had sex? Did it affect your experience of touching yourself? Of orgasm? What changed in how you felt about yourself before and after you had sex?

- I have never been so far… always being on the surface… More likely masturbating than having sex.


Were you lonely as an adolescent? Hurt by girls?


- There were moments of rejections which were going in the most horrific ways.

Do you feel that you have to continue to use prostitutes, masturbation, or pornography to achieve sexual satisfaction?


….

- I have been around pornography and masturbation, I have wanted to be around prostitutes and to give a try, but I have never extended it in action, It just has been a thought which never got the chance to be bring to life.

Does Your Occupation Have Anything to Do with Your Addiction?

Not really a occupation, but Studying and going out with my friends creates stress, which makes me anxious.

Do you smile and are you pleased to be there when you walk into your workplace? Or do you wish it were already 5 p.m.?

- I ain't working .. I study at school but sucks… I wish as fast as it starts and to end.

Some people have sales jobs so they will have unstructured time out on the road to stop in to strip clubs and porn shops. What part has your addiction played in your choice of jobs?


- It started from stress and wanting to push the button again and again with the videos, however everything which has happen.

- Books
- Films
- Pornography
- Strip Bar - Once



- Stress


Everything has played a role in my life.



What Is Your Past and Present Relationship Status

- Zero Relationships Present/Past


 When you were in high school, did you date? Were you a jock or a geek?

- No Past RLW relationships - I have been a geek.

Or were you so isolated that you didn’t identify with any group?

- I found friends which were near to the way I behav

Were you terrified to talk to girls? Or were you sociable? Did you go to the prom, or were you reclusive?


I have always felt like a obstacle ha been talking  with girls.

….

Mr. Addiction: Your addiction is real… you are getting sicker.


DeYtH: Yay, another debate with you.

DeYtH: You act and try to be my friend… but You ain't my friend.


Mr. Addiction: If I make you trust me gives .e chance.. . - To pull the strings, of this whole game.


Mr. Addiction: Your problem too much you:

- Give a thought
- You deepen it
- You put it always all things for later
Over and over and over


Mr. Addiction: Hasshhhh, you say tomorrow, tomorrow moves for the other one… and so on and so on.

Mr. Addiction: You put in yourself diagnoses which aren't really anything doing with all what's happening.


What the fuck should be Mr. Addiction, if not an enemy?



No answer for that question or we could be

- I don't remember and
- I don't know

Typical non-productive speech. From one point of view the pRoblem could be hiding within too much material, stress, not sleeping enough…



I even now don't know… JUST LATER IT.


It's getting late and another jerk off just follow me up home, probably being on your own on such task is  hard to solve the problem. No one is near you to help you.. . You are on your own, thinking of making some kinda progress, but the truth is that there isn't any type of progress…  it happens over and over and over it has thousand ways to happen. First the mind should experience something. Then thoughts start comming one after another.

- Sexual
- Stress
- Depression
-  Suicide
- Killing somebody (Homicide)

- This are the topics which all is about.

It's like a system of self-destruction, slowly but effective. Everything affects you and you are alone… come on… if this isn't stressful… what is It?


First it hurts… it ruins everything mind and all kinds of things and it happens over and over and over and over. It makes you think that you are safe and aftee few more porn videos… your protection is oOVEEEEEEEEEEEEER ORRRRR GODDD…  I AM MASSIVE SELF-DESTRUCTION WEAPON.




You talk about that and that… do that… - Yeah I am doing it… but it creates inner stress
…..


Can you imagine having the feelings you have when you’re by yourself being replaced by intimacy with someone you share your whole life with?

Yeah it's possible that's what all people say:

"It can happen."



But in real not sure


Probably a thought to make you feel better, but nothing for real happen = action.

Do You Have Nonaddictive Hobbies?


- Reading books as for this year around 297 Books read.

- Watching movies
Like: Docs, crime, true crime, horror, comedy (Sometimes), drama (Rare)


 What do you read? Do you read for pleasure or only for information

- For getting info and pleasure.

Are you physically active? Do you exercise

- As for now rarely, but before it was more often.

What kind of movies do you like?

- Already Answered!

If you don’t have any nonsexual hobbies, can you think of some that might appeal to you?

- Improving Myself
- Reading Books
- Hang out with Friends
- Playing Games
- Watching Movies


What Is the Financial Impact of Your Compulsive Behavior?

- Zero, I am a student


 How much time do you spend thinking about sex?

- In a week in about 2 times in a month in about 5-6 times it… or it could be more. It depends from a trigger if there is a trigger… it could be more than 6 times.


How much time do you spend engaging in sexually compulsive behavior?

- 30 Minutes up to an hour max


How much money do you spend on sexually compulsive behavior?

- Everything I get free… No Money at all.

Does the time you spend thinking about or engaging in sexually compulsive behavior cut into the time you could be working productively and earning money or engaging in an enjoyable hobby or an intimate relationship?

- I am not working… as for hobby it's possible as for the relationship thing…. - NoooooooOooo



 Did your mother and father have an active social life?

- It a middle class family so do and social life.




Did your father have male friends? Was your mother upset with him because he wanted to go to baseball games or play cards with his friends?


- Yes he have male friends, but he isn't a sporty kind he is a drinker. He likes to go to parties…

And do crazy things!


Did your mother have women friends?

- She have plenty of them, before she was on the phone for hours. Now zero hours on the phone + She rarely goes out with female friends, most times stays home and terrorises ove and over and over, if she doesn't have work… (which means 2-3 days stays home all the time.. and it's one fucking he'll.. . Because in the same time there is a dog, me… grand-parents.)


Did your family move a lot? If so, how did that impact you?

- No…  They don't move a lot… they have been living in one place since my whole life…. + If they move … it's more likely for holidays or for few months  or few weeks.

Were Traumatic Events in Your History?

- It started at home = Stress, Disappointments, anger, Agression, holidays not being celebrated as all people do, feeling miserable.

- School - Stress, shouting, summing (all tests are the worst ever have been seen… - Ohh come on… my test has good result so what type of fuck… do I give for the others?)

- Friends ------♤♤♤♤♤----- ( The Same here)


Was there ever sexual contact with anyone in your family? If so, were there any consequences?


- Yes… my father was FUCKING my mother… but when other people started comming coming to start replacing my father - It was traumatic… - COME ON… IT'S NOT COOL TO WATCH SOMEBODY WHO I KNOW AND IS AN ADULT WITH A ROLE - PARENT to do such mistakes = dissapointment. Reasons-  NOT GOOD AT ALL.



DeYtH: You are a parent… adult… you should have limits in what to do and what not to do.

Did you have brothers or sisters? Was there abuse? If there was, was it emotional, physical, or sexual—or a combination?

- First I don't have sister/s or brother/s. Second no abuse at all.


Was there violence? When? With whom? Did you get yelled at a lot? Were you hit or in any other way physically abused

Yes, it has been since 7-8 years old probably and little more younger up to the age 16-17 Years old. With all … my grand-mother and my other grand mother, at school I was bullied, at home father… mother and grand-father. Also and other people out of school facilities and out of home strangers and enemies and "Friends."

 Yeah… since 4-5 years old up to these days… which make it arou d 16-17 years fulfilled with telling, my mEmory starts to weaking from high levels getting into the most weaker levels.  ..

I have been physically abused - Under The "Violence" Term.


DeYtH: I just saw my mom naked…

Mr. Addictiin: Celebrate it with a promise "That you won't anymore masturbate."

Mr. Addiction: The fun thing about this promise it will be broken as fast as rather way.

DeYtH: I kinda feel sick off seeing my mother naked.
DeYtH: It's one of those porn magazines of pornstars.

Mr. Addiction: You should fulfill desire, that's why desire cradle it's own way out.

Mr. Addiction: Einsten having sex with his cousin, as for you… with your mother.

Mr. Addiction: Hahahahaha


Was there any sexual abuse from a parent or another family member?

- No such type of abuse!

Were you angry or upset about treatment you received from your primary caregiver or parent, who was supposed to be a person you trusted more than anyone else in the world?

- I am always upset from my parents and… I always feel sorry for being closed in a trap… out of this circle.. I can't survive so do and in this circle (Home).

DeYtH: It's very traumatic looking back of what really happen to me.

Mr. Addiction: You need to get rid of me… if want really that… YOU WILL SUFFER, along the road but for the greater good.


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