Review: The New New Rules: A Funny Look At How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass

The New New Rules: A Funny Look At How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass by Bill Maher
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

"August 10, 2018 –
100.0% "Last year, Hollywood set a new box-office record: $16 billion worldwide. Not bad for a bunch of socialists. You never see Hollywood begging Washington for a handout, like corn farmers, or the auto industry, or the entire state of Alaska.""
August 10, 2018 –
100.0% "We’re too liberal; we’re out of touch with the Heartland; our facial muscles have been deadened with chicken botulism; and we make them feel fat. To these people, I say: Shut up and eat your popcorn. And stop bitching about one of the few American products—movies—that people all over the world still want to buy."
August 10, 2018 –
100.0% ""They’re interplanetary mavericks."



"New Rule: Conservatives have to stop complaining about Hollywood values. It’s Oscars time again, which means two things: (1) I’ve got to get waxed, and (2) talk-radio hosts and conservative columnists will trot out their annual complaints about Hollywood:"
August 9, 2018 –
100.0% "This book is going to mind fuck you."
August 5, 2018 –
70.0% "420 out of 466 - Pages"
July 28, 2018 –
70.0% "The only thing that’s inevitable is that if you have...

fake boobs and hair extensions, Tiger Woods will try to fuck you.
And reincarnation? Really? If that were real, wouldn’t there be some proof by now? A raccoon spelling out in acorns, “My name is Herb Zoller, and I’m an accountant” . . . something?

—February 26, 2010""
July 28, 2018 –
70.0% "Tiger said, “Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves” makes us unhappy, which confirms something I’ve long suspected about Eastern religions: They’re a crock, too.
Craving for things outside ourselves is what makes life life—I don’t want to learn to not want; that’s what people in prison have to do. Buddhism teaches that suffering is inevitable."
July 28, 2018 –
70.0% ""...And it really is outdated in some ways—the “Life sucks, and then you die” philosophy was useful when the Buddha came up with it around 500 B.C., because back then life pretty much sucked, and then you died, but now we have medicine, and Pinkberry, and TiVo; we have Vegas and Skype—our life isn’t all about suffering anymore."
July 28, 2018 –
70.0% ""PUMPY LOVE

New Rule: If your blood flow is such that you have to choose between maintaining an erection or your heartbeat, it’s time to take off the Snuggie. A new study finds men who sit around and don’t exercise are much more likely to have a heart attack during sex. And the heart attack, it turns out, doesn’t come from the exertion but from the surprise that anyone is willing to have sex with you.""
July 28, 2018 –
70.0% "A teacher in Delaware allegedly had sex with her thirteen-year-old student twenty-eight times in one week. Oh, to be young again! I’m getting dehydrated just thinking about it. Jesus Christ, lady. What do you teach, Spanish fly? And, son, if you’re out there, Larry Flynt asked me to pass along this message: When you turn eighteen, you’ve got yourself a job.""
July 28, 2018 –
70.0% "They just choose a random profession, like nurse or referee, and put the word “sexy” in front of it, thereby perpetuating the idea of Halloween as a day when normally shy women release their inner sluts and parade around like vixens, and I just completely forgot what I was complaining about."

"PHYSICAL EDUCATION

New Rule: If you’re going to have sex with your students, you have to let them up for air."
July 28, 2018 –
70.0% "A new fatwa in Saudi Arabia declares that women should breast-feed their male colleagues and acquaintances, in order to establish “maternal relations” and thus preclude the possibility of sexual contact. Because, really, nothing says “Let’s just be friends” like putting your titty in someone’s mouth."

"OCTOBER SURMISE


New Rule: Designers of women’s Halloween costumes must admit that they’re not even trying."
July 28, 2018 –
70.0% "If there’s anyone out there who can manage to get run over under those conditions, well, you won’t just be letting me sleep, you’ll be improving the species."

"NURSE TACKY

New Rule: And I shouldn’t have to say this, but no, God does not want you to breast-feed your coworkers."
July 28, 2018 –
70.0% ""NOYZ N THE HOOD

New Rule: Garbage trucks get to back up without beeping. I’m trying to sleep. You’re a giant, churning, groaning behemoth, and when you go backward, it’s at one mile per hour while making the sound of Fran Dre-scher with her hand caught in the blender."
July 28, 2018 –
70.0% "A year ago, only preschoolers and mental patients wore these, but now grown-ups all over America have gone Croc crazy—the latest step in our unending quest to dress as casually as humanly possible. “I used to wear flip-flops, but they’re a little dressy. I want clothing I can hose down.” Admit it, we’re a nation of slobs who won’t be happy until we can go to the mall in a diaper.""
July 28, 2018 –
70.0% "Why name these things in the first place? It’s teenage bravado, like giving a nickname to your penis. Although, ironically, the nickname for my penis is Operation Odyssey Dawn."

"NOTES ON A SANDAL


New Rule: Stop wearing plastic shoes."
July 28, 2018 –
70.0% "Which is when Mommy should explain to the kids that after giving birth to them and nursing them, her mommy parts needed a little sprucing up. And since it’s their fault, it’s coming out of their college fund."

"NOM DE GRRR

New Rule: The Pentagon has to stop naming military operations. Libya is Operation Odyssey Dawn. What does that mean?"
July 28, 2018 –
70.0% ""NAP/TUCK

New Rule: We don’t need a picture book about plastic surgery. My Beautiful Mommy is the new book written to prepare kids for that magical day when Mommy comes home from the doctor and they don’t recognize her."
July 28, 2018 –
70.0% ""NAG THE DOG

New Rule: If you’re one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you talk too much. And I have some bad news for you: Your dog’s not listening, either; he’s waiting for food to fall out of your mouth.""
July 28, 2018 –
70.0% "- This jokes are fucking damn good"
July 28, 2018 –
70.0% ""MOCK BLOCKER

New Rule: You can’t use sarcasm about people who think you’re an idiot if you’re an idiot. Britney Spears went on a sarcastic screed about people who think she needs help. Then her dress fell off, she carved a swastika into her forehead, and ran over her tits with a car. Which raises a question that’s been bothering me for some time: Can you un-masturbate to someone.""
July 28, 2018 –
70.0% ""MILEY HIGH

New Rule: Miley Cyrus must stop wasting our time and just skip to the part where she gets pregnant, loses the baby weight, finds Jesus, gains it all back, switches to Christian rock, goes into rehab, marries her driver, plays Rizzo in Grease, and takes her shirt off in the reboot of Leprechaun, Leprechaun 2031: The Terror of the Trailer Park.""
July 28, 2018 –
70.0% ""MEXICAN’T


New Rule: If Latino immigrants want to be taken seriously, they have to stop wearing the giant hats. The civil rights marchers in the ’50s didn’t dress like Buckwheat and carry watermelons. You’re a proud immigrant demanding his rights, not the Frito Bandito.""
July 28, 2018 –
70.0% ""M.D. PROMISES

New Rule: Sometimes it’s better to just stay sick. Doctors say they can cure some intestinal diseases by inserting a healthy person’s feces up your butt. Or, as John Travolta calls it, dating. The only thing that’s worse than this procedure is asking someone to donate. How do you bring this up on the golf course? Hey, remember that time I loaned you a hundred bucks.""
July 28, 2018 –
70.0% "And let's throw a joke

390 out of 466"
July 26, 2018 – page 351
99.15%
July 23, 2018 – page 324
91.53%
July 17, 2018 – page 296
83.62%
July 11, 2018 – page 265
74.86%
July 7, 2018 – page 232
65.54%
June 13, 2018 – page 143
40.4% ""New Rule: Stop calling bagpipes a musical instrument. They’re actually a Scottish Breathalyzer test. You blow into one end, and if the sound that comes out the other end doesn’t make you want to kill yourself—you’re not drunk enough.""
June 13, 2018 – page 103
29.1%
June 12, 2018 – page 45
12.71% "Nothing more applying another rule

...

So let's start with the rules"
June 12, 2018 – Shelved
June 12, 2018 – Started Reading"


""The truth is that the vast majority of Hollywood talent is liberal, because most stars adhere to an ideology that jibes with their core principles of taking drugs and getting laid. The liberal stars that the right is always demonizing—Sean Penn

and Michael Moore, Barbra Streisand and Alec Baldwin and Tim Robbins, and all the other members of my biweekly cocaine orgy—."



"RACK-U-WEATHER


New Rule: And I never thought I’d say this, but the arms race to supply us with hotter, bustier weather women must stop. Either that or at least give me time to reach a climax before you throw to the bald sports guy. I used to tune in to see if I needed a raincoat. Now I wear a raincoat while I’m tuning in."


"READY-TO-SCARE

New Rule: If there really is such a thing as ghosts, they have to be naked. I’ll give you that a ghost is a dead soul, returned to torment the living. That makes perfect sense. But how’d he get to keep his pants? Did they die, too? Were his pants also bad in life, and condemned for their pant sins to never find eternal peace? I simply can’t accept that any pants could commit a sin so grave that God could not forgive. Except acid-wash jeans."


"But every school has crappy teachers. Harvard has crappy teachers—they must, they gave us George Bush.
But according to all the studies, it doesn’t matter what teachers do. Although everyone appreciates foreplay. What matters is what parents do. The number-one predictor of a child’s academic success is parental involvement. It doesn’t even matter if your kid goes to private or public school. So save the twenty grand a year and treat yourself to a nice vacation away from the little bastards.
It’s also been proven that just having books in the house makes a huge difference in a child’s development. If your home is adorned with nothing but Hummel dolls, DVDs, and bleeding Jesuses, congratulations, you’ve just given your children the gift of duh."

"SCHLOCK THERAPY

New Rule: Scientists must explain why people will watch crap on Netflix streaming that they would never otherwise watch in a million years. It’s like the movie version of picking up some random stranger at a bar at closing time. The whole time you’re thinking, “Why am I doing this? I don’t even like this movie. I’m a better person than this.” And when it’s over you take a long shower and tell yourself, “Never again.” And then you watch a documentary about lobsters."

"SQUAWK BLOCKER

New Rule: A dog is the only animal that can get you laid. No offense, parrot guy, but it’s just not gonna happen. When women see you, they’re not thinking, “I bet that guy is interesting,” they’re thinking, “That bird better not shit on my dress."

"SQUIRTIN’ CALL

New Rule: Science has given us the plastic ketchup bottle, the squeezable plastic ketchup bottle, and the upside-down squeezable plastic ketchup bottle. Now it must create the ketchup bottle that doesn’t make a sound like a fart. You’re a condiment, not a whoopee cushion. If I want rude noises from vegetables, I’ll go to a Tea Party rally."


"New Rule: Stop putting religious statues on the front lawn. Whoever said there are no virgins left in L.A. has never been to a Mexican neighborhood—there’s one in every front yard. At least my lawn.

jockey is tasteful. Besides, if I want to see the Virgin Mary, I’ll . . .

. . . order the grilled cheese."

"STATUTORY TAPE

New Rule: From now on, duct tape must be called what it really is—murder tape. A search of the suspected Craigslist Killer’s home yielded a firearm, restraints, and duct tape, or, as we call that here in Hollywood, Phil Spector’s earthquake kit."

"STICKER SCHLOCK


New Rule: Take those fake-bullet-hole decals off your car. Honky, please—this look doesn’t say, “I’m a moving target.” It says, “I shop at Target."


"STUBBLE TROUBLE


New Rule: If your razor has five blades, it’s not a razor. It’s a weed whacker. With the new Gillette Fusion razor, the first blade lifts the stubble. The second severs the hair follicle. The third slices your skin. The fourth scrapes bone marrow. And the fifth was used by O. J. Simpson to kill his wife, and he wants it back."

"STUDENT BOOTY

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot blond teachers are “permanently damaged.” I have a better description of these kids: lucky bastards. I was once beat up after school, and believe me, I would gladly trade that pummeling for a session of oral sex with my French teacher—no matter how much his mustache tickled."

"SWEDE REVENGE

New Rule: Sweden must take a ten-year break from creepy detective novels. Just to replenish your stock of dead women. Your country is smaller than Ohio. You can’t all be sex murderers, sex-murder victims, politicians covering up sex murders, or alcoholic detectives haunted by childhood memories of sex murders. If you’re all dead or drunk, who’s gonna make the shitty furniture that breaks when you sit on it."

"TAMPACS

New Rule: Stop trying to scare me with your Mayan-calendar doomsday theories. I’m supposed to be terrified by counting the days on the Mayan calendar? Why? Is my Mayan girlfriend late for her Mayan period? If the Mayans could see the future, how come they couldn’t get away from Cortés?Besides, we have much scarier things to worry about in 2012."

"TICKER SHOCK

New Rule: Stop calling what’s happening to the financial markets “an adjustment.” An adjustment is something you do in your sweatpants when your penis falls out of your underwear. This is “a clusterfuck."

"Lady Bird Johnson: beautifying America. Barbara Bush had literacy. Betty Ford’s was no hard liquor before ten a.m. Our previous first lady, Laura Bush, worked tirelessly against illiteracy, so between her efforts and her husband’s, it was a tie."



"THE VILLAGE PAPAL

New Rule: Popes are supposed to love everybody. Pope Benedict has rejected France’s new ambassador to the Vatican because he’s gay and married to a man. The Pope said it just wouldn’t be right to have a homosexual walking around his pretend country run by men in dresses. So stay away, you nasty gay Frenchman . . ."


"I know what you’re thinking: Bill Maher, anti-porn? No, I’m not anti-porn, I’m just saying, masturbation has its place—and that place should be plan B, when you can’t get the real thing. For me, that was college. It filled the hole in me when I had no hole to fill. But now psychologists are telling us that for a sizable percentage of the men in America, masturbating to porn is plan A; doing it with your wife or girlfriend is more like a fallback option for when the power goes out."


"And to be honest about our porn addiction—it’s not that Americans are oversexed, it’s that we are catastrophically lazy. We’d rather sit on the sofa and show our wing-wang to strangers on Chatroulette than go schlep out to Houlihan’s and try to pick up a secretary who’s had one too many mai tais. We’ve become a nation of cooch potatoes.
I’m getting action and I don’t even have to brush my teeth! Real, actual sex? Not tonight, honey—I’m horny! It’s amazing—for men, it took only a couple of decades between discovering that women can have orgasms and deciding that giving them one is just too much trouble."


"And what are his policies? Karab Amabo believes we should increase our dependency on foreign oil, and shrink the size of government until it performs only the most basic functions: killing Arabs, paying farmers to grow corn, and probing people at the airport."

"WHITE-COLLAR CRIME

New Rule: Cocaine is not an aerosol. In Spain, a woman was arrested for trying to smuggle liquid cocaine disguised as spray starch. One sign your spray is actually cocaine: when your starched shirts have trouble staying hard."

"WORD IMPERFECT


New Rule: I don’t care if white-trash America ever accepts that Barack Obama is president, but it’s high time that my spellcheck did."


"WRECKS APPEAL

New Rule: If men can admit they watch NASCAR for the crashes, women can admit they watch fashion shows . . .

. . . to see skinny chicks fall on their asses..."


"You’re not his friend, or one of his chosen people, and you’re not going to be him someday in paradise if you drink his tiger blood. That’s Jesus you’re thinking of. This is the guy from the sitcom about making dirty jokes to a fat kid."


"X-MEN

New Rule: If the water in your river makes the male fish grow vaginas, stay thirsty, my friend. Ninety percent of Washington, D.C.’s drinking water comes from the Potomac, a river so polluted with hormones it makes fish change sex. If I wanted to drink something that makes me grow a vagina, I’d order a wine cooler."


"I’m just saying logically, if you ignore every single thing Jesus commanded you to do, you’re not a Christian. You’re just auditing. You’re not Christ’s followers, you’re just fans. And if you believe the earth was given to you to kick ass on, while gloating, you’re really not a Christian. You’re a Texan."


"YAHOO SIRIUS

New Rule: News radio stations must find sponsors for something other than mortgages, tax problems, bankruptcy, erectile dysfunction, and garage doors. It sounds like a Jeopardy! category: Things in a suicide note. “Darling, please forgive me, but there was no other way out, after the mortgage drove me into bankruptcy, and the IRS slammed my penis in the garage door..."

"...So, Mitt, instead of pointing out your business experience, try using the fact that you were the governor of Massachusetts, the most educated state in the country, and your main accomplishment was universal health care. Then again, you’re trying to appeal to the Republican base, so you’ll have to do that in a...

way that avoids mention of Massachusetts, universal health care, or smart people."


"...I guess I just don’t get the appeal of sexting, and phone sex, and all that cyber-jacking the kids are into these days when they’re not listening to their hippity-hop records. Call me old-fashioned, but when I have sex I like to have the other person in the room. I find that it helps create a feeling of intimacy.."


"...Thanks to you, Congressman Weiner, there is now a new low in what passes for a sex scandal—JFK got Marilyn Monroe. John Edwards got a love child. You got mail. Say what you will about Bill Clinton, but at least when he whipped out his dick on a woman, she didn’t have to wait for it to stop buffering.."


"Politicians like to say, “We need new ideas.” Bullshit—“new ideas” is just a secular version of “spiritual solutions”—something that’s going to magically fix everything. What “new idea” is going to solve our health-care crisis? A magic pill that makes obese children crap out gold bricks? We don’t need “new ideas,” we need the balls to implement the ideas we already know work: cut corporate welfare, slash the defense budget, tax the rich, support the strong unions that created a middle class in the first place, build infrastructure, and take the profit out of health care...

Of course, the drought only got worse. In the words of Sister Mary Ignatius, God answers all your prayers. And sometimes the answer is no."

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